Comparing PM to a dog… How did Army Chief Asim Munir bring disrepute to Pakistan in America

Asim Munir was getting late for lunch at the White House. He couldn’t decide what to wear. Dress up in civilian clothes or impress the host by looking like a field marshal who loves to wear uniform? The occasion required perfection. Donald Trump aka Babaji was going to bless Munir as the de facto ruler of Pakistan. No civilians were allowed. In fact, the Pakistani ambassador was asked to wait outside along with Mohsin Naqvi, who is the home minister and accompanied Munir as a pet on this visit. Only the ISI chief – and Munir’s namesake – Asim Malik was allowed in.

If a dog became PM…

Guess what this pompous field marshal said about Pakistan’s prime minister ahead of his big day? He told Pakistani expatriates, where he was garlanded and showered with flowers. Wealthy Pakistani Americans paid for him, “Even if a dog becomes prime minister and does good work, you should appreciate it.” This is said like a man who has seen many years in power.

But then again, who cares about democracy or people in Pakistan? Not the Americans. Forget Babaji. Even Bidenji’s State Department couldn’t utter a word about all the election rigging done by Munir to keep Imran Khan in jail and the Sharif brothers in power. Trump cares about trade and his Nobel Prize.

All food is halal

Coming back to the luncheon. The meeting was so secret and the blessing ceremony so private that no photos were released. As one cynical Pakistani said, the only statement to be released was the menu. ‘All food is halal’, was announced in bold letters on the menu card so that the Field Marshal would not miss the fine print. You see, he did not go to elite schools, and his associated complexes play into violent ways. He has to prove he deserves it.

The first course was carefully chosen – goat cheese gateau, tomato jam, buttermilk biscuit crumbles and young variegated lettuce – to soften the guests. The main course – rack of spring lamb, charred cipollini soubise, Carolina gold rice and jambalaya – was designed to make them go crazy with self-importance.

Proclaiming Pakistan is great

Babaji – with the assistance of Marco Rubio (who must explain the speech Baba to the world as his NSA and Secretary of State) – started work on dessert (nectarine tart and ice cream). ‘Can you bring Iran to lunch?’ ‘Don’t worry, respected sir, my country is your country. My Balochistan is your Balochistan. My intelligence is your intelligence,’ both Asim replied in unison. Satisfied, Sadhak left the room and later appeared on camera to repeat the new mantra: Pakistan is great, etc.

Excited, happy and almost angry, the field marshal moved on to his next event with think-tankers at the Pakistani embassy. Dinner as usual with former ambassadors, four congressional aides and five Western journalists (Pakistani journalists were not invited). But the guests had to sing for their dinner, and how.

The rags-to-riches field marshal delivered a 90-minute speech on ‘poor Pakistan, wicked India: a very selective and revisionist history’, including excerpts on the ‘incredible greatness of President Trump’. He punched the table, he hurled abuses and promised to take revenge if India stopped the water.

The audience was bored

The guests already knew the history. To make matters worse, they were sweating. Literally. The air-conditioning at the embassy had reportedly broken down, just as democracy had broken down at home. But Munir’s work was not over yet. Watch some promotional videos. How about going to Pakistan for tourism and rediscovering the old ‘hippie trail’? And try new drugs. Cannabis is a thing of the past.